Talent And Desire Are NOT Enough: What We Must Learn To Achieve Our Goals

by Millionaire Mommy Next Door on November 3, 2009

in About Me,Book Review,Happiness,Inspiration,Raising Money-Smart Kids,Success Principles

The traditional view of achievement assumes that results come from a combination of talent and desire. Therefore, when you fail, it must be because you are not talented enough or that you don’t want it bad enough. However, failure also occurs when talent and desire are abundantly present — but optimism is missing!

Why is optimism an important ingredient for success? What makes some people view the glass as half full while others see it half empty? How are depression and pessimism related? Are optimists born or made? Can we unlearn pessimism? What can parents do to help their children grow optimistically?

My family, at least three generations deep, suffers from a genetic predisposition towards clinical, chronic depression. It would be fair to say that I didn’t always have the happiest of role models when I was growing up. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression (other than PMS-related symptoms). Why did I escape depression while many of my family members did not?

A therapist, who my entire family visited when I was a teenager, suggested that I had learned to cope by taking on the role of “hero child” in our dysfunctional family. The hero child is the one who fantasizes that if she accomplishes enough, then the whole family will be OK. The hero child is overly conscientious, over achieving, and constantly seeks approval. As the hero child of my family, it was my “job” to help everyone see the light and function well. I became our family’s cheerleader of optimism.

Then as a young adult, my experiences as an animal trainer and behaviorist taught me some useful cognitive skills. (Apparently rats, cats, dogs and humans tend to learn in similar ways!) I discovered how to avoid learned helplessness (giving up because you feel unable to change things) and how to reinforce my sense of personal control. In turn, personal control leads to optimism; and optimism can protect against depression, better your physical and mental well-being, and increase your level of achievement.

I’m reading a fascinating book: Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin Seligman, Ph.D. Using evidence gleaned from scientific research done with dogs and people, Seligman demonstrates how optimism enhances the quality of life, explains how to break an “I give up” habit, and offers advice for parents who want to help their child(ren) become empowered by optimism.

What is a pessimist? Pessimists tend to:

  • believe bad events are enduring (will last a long time)
  • believe misfortunes are their own fault
  • undermine everything they do
  • get physically sick more often
  • get depressed more often
  • give up more easily

Optimists, who are dealt the same hard knocks, tend to:

  • believe defeat is just a temporary setback
  • believe defeat is confined to this one case
  • believe defeat is not their fault: circumstances, bad luck or other people brought it about
  • perceive bad situations as a challenge and try harder
  • do better in school and college
  • do better at work
  • do better in sports
  • exceed the predictions of aptitude tests
  • be more apt to be elected into public office
  • enjoy unusually good health
  • age well
  • live longer

How can I help my child learn optimism?

My daughter’s life didn’t start out well: she was abandoned at birth by a mother who could not/would not raise her; placed in a neglectful foster care situation for nine months; then uprooted from her native country to live in a place where very few look like her. In addition to these early traumatic events, maybe her birthmother suffered from depression during her pregnancy (aware that she’d have to give up her baby), which could have affected her developing fetus. When we adopted our daughter, she was emotionally withdrawn and shutdown.

What affects a child’s level of optimism? According to Martin Seligman, Ph.D., director of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania and the author of Learned Optimism, there is evidence for three kinds of influences:

  1. How parents analyze and explain everyday occurrences: If my child hears me explain things optimistically, she will too. Optimism is learned. It is important that parents serve as positive role models.
  2. The form of criticisms a child hears when she fails: If they are permanent (“You always make such a big mess”) and pervasive (“You are a slob”), her view of herself will turn toward pessimism. If the criticisms she hears have a temporary and specific message (“Your room tends to be messy after you have friends over to play“), she will be hopeful, empowered and optimistic.
  3. The reality of her early losses and traumas: If her losses and trauma are permanent and pervasive, the seeds of hopelessness will be deeply planted. If they remit, she will develop the theory that bad events can be changed and conquered.

I am incredibly proud of my daughter’s strong spirit. She inspires me to see the glass as half full every day. Together, we practice optimism… and we blossom.

Considering the far-reaching and long-lasting effects that optimism has in all of our lives, I wholeheartedly recommend reading Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. It’s a national bestseller for good reason.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Erica Douglass November 3, 2009 at 10:57 pm

I am adopted, too, and suffered from many similar emotional issues. I went through hypnotherapy to cure it, and, of course, blogged about it. (This was years ago.) Reading this may help you understand some of what your daughter is going through.

http://www.erica.biz/2005/the-crazy-rollercoaster-weekend/

-Erica

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Laura November 4, 2009 at 12:27 pm

“You’ve got to have something to eat and a ‘little love’ in your life before you can hold still for any damn body’s sermon on how to behave” Billie Holiday

For me – this is my quote. And for me the “little love” (was not someone ever loving me in a consistent way) – my “little love” came when my son was born to me and I GAVE him love which is a powerful way of RECEIVING it. I come from a family of depressives (including committed suicides) including dealing with my life long depression.

America is culturally biased towards optimism, at times to a fault, just look at the people who took on exorbitant home loans because they believed that real estate always goes up in value. I believe there is something beyond optimism and that is resilence. Optimism can go blind with “belief”. While pessimism goes stupid with skepticism and cynicism.

So for me I want to cultivate Resilence and Perserversence (and Jen you already have demonstrated this attribute in your writings). Resilence and Perserversence is not afraid to be informed and to learn, thereby enabling flexibility enough to thrive. ( I was missing you Jen! So glad to see your e-mail in the Inbox!)

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Foxie (CarsxGirl) November 4, 2009 at 1:26 pm

This is such a great message! I myself spent many of my teenage years depressed, and without a point really. My parents moved my family when I was 16, and I felt like it was the end of the world… Funny enough, I was out by 18. It took me a while to realize that I wouldn’t have to stay there forever, and it was something I could change at any time. That made it much easier to roll with the punches and not get so down about it.

It’s also rather ironic that anytime I decided that, “Hey, life’s not so bad….” the thing I was upset about before changes anyhow. When I got used to living in one place, I found out I was moving — That’s recently happened for the second time in only a few years. When I decide I refuse to be unhappy anymore about the circumstances I feel powerless to change, they change for me anyhow. (My husband’s military, so we don’t have *too* much of a say in when these things happen or where we’ll end up, but we’re going to a place I think we’re going to love. :) It’s hard to not be excited now!)

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Cecelia November 4, 2009 at 3:18 pm

This is a great post, and a really nice way that you’ve connected with your daughter. Interesting food for though.

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Akemi - Yes to Me November 4, 2009 at 7:39 pm

I am especially touched how committed you are in raising your daughter. While I feel for her about the hard way she was brought to this life, she is a lucky child to have a mom like you.

There aren’t many Asians in your area? Drive up to the West Coast!

Blessings,
Akemi

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Michael November 4, 2009 at 10:42 pm

Its your attitude, not your aptitude that determines your altitude in life

A great quote that I heard many years ago that has made a difference in my life. Thanks for the post!

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Little House November 5, 2009 at 9:52 am

I agree that having an optimistic attitude toward life reaps many more rewards than constantly seeing things with a negative mind set. Luckily, my parents were also optimistic, for the most part. Even though they had their moments of negativity, the optimist ones were more prevalent.

Thanks for the post!

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Financial Samurai November 6, 2009 at 7:13 am

Great post! I choose to be optimistic, but I wonder if it’s b/c I’m lucky?

Could pessimism be a medical condition?

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Millionaire Mommy Next Door November 9, 2009 at 10:24 am

Great comments! Thanks for sharing your perspectives and experiences. Erica, your adoption story is powerful!

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anna November 28, 2009 at 10:48 am

Yes, “Learned optimism” is a great book; and the philosophy really works if one has enough patience and commitments to change one’s thinking patterns. It’s very similar to getting into a healthier lifestyle – taking small steps in learning to not give up and to make inferences that forster development rather than stagnation.
One thing to add though – for those of us who come from a “depressive” family and/or cultural environment (I’m from Russia, and the whole culture is focused on powers outside our control, rather than self-made success), it pays to get into a more success-oriented environment. To befriend people who are achievers, to get into a good school, something. And also to always keep it real – as Laura pointed out, blind optimism leads to frustration.

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