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Don’t Be A Hen-Pecked Chicken; Be A Donkey and Declare Your Personal Independence!

Millionaire Mommy Next Door — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 04:13:49 +0000

Not long ago, I worked on a project (I’ll call it “Project Chicken Little”) that took me back — emotionally — to a time when I had to don a frock with a pinned-on name tag, drag myself to work and punch a time card. I hadn’t felt so disempowered, nor shed so many tears of frustration and indignation, in over two decades.

Independence Day

In the United States, Independence Day (the Fourth of July), is a federal holiday commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, declaring independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain.

For me, Independence Day also serves as a celebration of my personal emancipation from the Squashdom of the Great Pee-On Culture.

Hen-Pecked Chicken

“Hi! I’m Jen Smith. And you?”

“I’m just one of the grunts.”

“Grunt? No, no, I mean, what is your name?”

“Oh, you want to know my name?!”

This was the flavor of introduction I received from a few of the team members I worked with during Project Chicken Little. It quickly became apparent to me that I had stepped into a “squashdom”: a hierarchical culture where respect is withheld from those who are deemed less worthy in an attempt to hold them lower in the pecking order.

We sometimes refer to the pecking order in human cultures but the expression really comes from the order of superiority that chicken flocks establish. The Alpha Rooster or Alpha Hen wins the position of dominance by pecking everyone else. The rest of the flock establishes a pecking order descending to the lowest chicken who gets pecked by everyone — but doesn’t dare peck anyone back.

Within Project Chicken Little, polite niceties such as saying Please and Thank You flowed in one direction only — upward. Those higher in the ranks pecked their subordinates with terse commands and reprimands, rolled eyes, and biting sarcasm. Rank and file were further reinforced by mandating extraordinarily long work hours, delaying meal breaks, and making members of the flock feel badly if they attempted to attend to their personal needs. Those lower in rank scurried to and fro, often stumbling over one another in their vain efforts to avoid being randomly and unmercifully pecked by the Alpha Chicken.

Project Chicken Little was a painful reminder to me of a time when, over two decades ago, I worked as a veterinary hospital receptionist earning just over minimum wage. The office manager (my direct supervisor) was an Alpha Hen — in fact, the flock pee-ons she kept under her wing called her “Big Bird” whenever she was out of earshot. Big Bird and I often butted heads because I had the “audacity” to suggest what I thought were brilliant alternatives to bloated, ineffective, outdated Standard Operating Procedures.

One day, Big Bird took me aside and said, “Jen, you have a smart mind and strong opinions. I realize that you have some good ideas about how this business could be improved, but you need to understand that you are not in charge here; I am. The veterinarians own this company and they hired me to tell you what to do. You are just an employee. You need to do things my way”.

Her reprimand was a pivotal moment for me. Rather than scurry along with my head cowed low, I decided I wasn’t cut out (nor willing) to be “just” a hen-pecked employee.

I began planning my escape: I drafted a business plan, presented a win-win collaborative project to my employers, and started moonlighting after hours. I devised a plan that would make my employers happy: I offered to teach dog-training classes in the veterinary hospital’s backyard so they would have an exciting new service to offer clients — and they wouldn’t have to pay me to do it! In turn, I would become self-employed with no start-up costs and minimal operating expenses, and I’d receive a steady stream of referrals to fill my classes with paying customers.

I became the boss of me. I was free of Big Bird’s relentless pecking.

The Chicken Who Crossed The Road

One of the perks of being financially free and the boss of me is that I can be selective with who I work with. I have been known to turn away potential customers when I don’t find the risk to reward ratio favorable. I exercise my freedom and choose not to work with difficult, snotty, or grumpy people.

However, I was contractually obligated to complete the task for Project Chicken Little. I felt trapped. My concerns and complaints were met with defensive attitudes. My dignity, self-respect, happiness, personal value-system and independence were threatened. My physical needs were pushed aside as well — an erratic, chaotic, last-minute schedule was imposed upon me in such a way that my sleep schedule was altered, my dietary needs were often ignored, and I was forced to put my family in second place behind work. I was tired, hypoglycemic and felt like sh!t. Consequently at the end of each day, I knew I hadn’t performed the job as well as I had intended and I was drowning in disappointed.

Midway through my one week term, I had an emotional breakdown. I had nearly chewed a hole in my tongue in a ridiculous attempt to keep the peace but eventually, I could no longer hold my tears of frustration and indignation back. I had nothing left to lose — I let the floodgates open and rocked the boat. I told the Alpha personalities how I felt, expressed my opinions, and insisted upon incorporating my personal and emotional needs into the project.

If they wanted to fire me for being “difficult” then by all means, please do! With nothing left to lose, this chicken was eager to cross the road.

Be The Donkey

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down a well. The animal cried
piteously as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed
to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth the time and
trouble to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him and
they began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then,
to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the
well. He was astonished at what he saw. When each shovel of
dirt hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of
the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty
soon, everyone cheered as the donkey stepped over the edge
of the well and happily trotted off!

(author unknown)

Project Chicken Little was boot camp for my personal empowerment muscles — ones that haven’t had to face such challenges for many years. As difficult as this experience was, it served to remind me of the pecking order culture that exists for so many working people. I believe I can empathize more now with the people I coach who feel stuck in a job they hate, or who feel obligated to act in a capacity that squashes them.

In the end, I wasn’t fired and I didn’t quit. I crossed the road and the flock chose to join me. I think it dawned on the Alpha Roosters and Alpha Hens that the flock had to work together; EVERY one of us played a vitally necessary part in the project. Small acts of respect and kindness began flowing both ways. I saw smiles and I heard brays of laughter. Together, we started working as a team. And we got ‘er done.

Are YOU an Alpha Rooster or Alpha Hen? If so, LISTEN UP!

If you make your team members feel there is little they can do to affect the organization’s performance (and their own future), they will not be motivated to work beyond the minimum demanded of them. They will be reluctant to take on responsibilities. They will feel badly about themselves which in turn, will make them feel unable to succeed. This negative cycle creates people who do no more than follow orders. With everything depending on the few people at the top, executives become bottlenecks that constrain the performance of the entire organization. Stop making chicken sh!t.

I wish you all, my dear readers, a “redonkulous” Independence Day!

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Want To Be Rich And Happy? You NEED To Know This…

Millionaire Mommy Next Door — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 01:31:02 +0000

I’m going to share something with you today that you really need to understand – on a gut level – before you can be rich and happy. Are you ready? Here it is:

Even if you learn ALL there is to know about money (how to make it, save it, invest it), if your relationships with others OR YOURSELF are dysfunctional, you will NEVER reach your full abundance potential.

Years ago, I used to bitch, moan and complain with certain people because it seemed to bring us closer together. Misery likes company, so I sometimes feigned misery so these people would like me. I didn’t want to make anyone feel jealous or envious either, so I talked myself down. It seemed so PC (politically correct).

I learned the hard way that this didn’t do anyone any favors. I curbed this behavior… and I grew wealthy and happy.

I hear from these certain individuals now only when something difficult is occurring in my life. When I’m all smiles and gratitude, I rarely hear a peep from them.

Similarly, a reader suggested that I make some people feel depressed by expressing my satisfaction, gratitude and happiness. He/she said that I should express more humility instead.

Perhaps my blog’s traffic would increase if I discussed the mess my past bookkeeper made of our financial records (and the subsequent late report penalties), the slow down of our plumbing business during the Great Recession, the exhaustion I feel after two back-to-back colds, or the disturbing mystery behind my still missing sister-in-law. We all know that bad news sells. The media is full of tragedy, fear and despair because it works to increase circulation and readership.

But I don’t want to write about bad things, even if it would drive my blog’s traffic to new heights. Sure, bad news sells, but I don’t want to invite that kind of attention. If I focused on hardships, I’d feel like a car wreck on the side of the highway – the type that drivers can’t help but slow down to gawk at (even though we know we’ll get grossed out). I’d be attracting negative thoughts into my mind and people that choose to focus on negativity into my life. No, thanks!

I write to express myself and to share the steps I take to live a fuller, richer, happier life. By doing so, I actively practice my intentions and keep aligned on what is important to me. It brings a higher caliber of relationships into my life, and it gives me the strength to deal with the occasional curve ball thrown my way.

Here are some of the valuable lessons I’ve learned through the University of Hard Knocks:

We become the company we keep. Like attracts like. Be negative and you’ll attract negativity; be positive and you will attract positive relationships into your life.

Limit your exposure to toxic people. We all have them – friends, family or co-workers – that seem hell-bent on bringing us down to their level. Immunize yourself from their poison by maintaining healthy personal boundaries. Don’t be a martyr, learn to say no. When someone near you behaves badly, don’t engage with them — walk away if you must. Be a positive role model instead. Perhaps you’ll inspire them (when they are personally ready) by modeling a different, healthier attitude.

Envy and jealousy will get you exactly what you don’t want. Acknowledge these feelings, then release them and let go. Compare yourself not to others, but only to your best self.

Don’t be pressured into humility. Definitions of humble include:

cause to feel shame; hurt the pride of
low or inferior in station or quality
marked by meekness or modesty

These definitions don’t fit with a healthy, positive self-esteem, do they?

Choose to use different language. The language you use directs your actions and therefore the path your life takes.

Avoid three dirty little words: try, can’t, and but.
When someone asks, “how are you?” don’t whine back, “I stepped in dog puke getting out of bed this morning, then I burned my toast, and now I gotta suffer through a dentist appointment…”. Instead, respond with something that is joyfully perfect in your world like, “I just had thee best grilled cheese sandwich for lunch!”

Limit your exposure to mass media. Pull the plug on bad news. Be selective – record uplifting, humorous and educational programs and keep the boob-tube turned off otherwise. I don’t know who was murdered, what poor child was abducted and from where, and who blew up how many people today, and you know what? I don’t want to know!

Focus on the bright side of life. I promise – there is always a bright side! What you think about is what you will get. Practice this skill by keeping a gratitude journal.

Stop looking in the rear view mirror. Live your life from this day forward.

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Talent And Desire Are NOT Enough: What We Must Learn To Achieve Our Goals

Millionaire Mommy Next Door — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:17:47 +0000

The traditional view of achievement assumes that results come from a combination of talent and desire. Therefore, when you fail, it must be because you are not talented enough or that you don’t want it bad enough. However, failure also occurs when talent and desire are abundantly present — but optimism is missing!

Why is optimism an important ingredient for success? What makes some people view the glass as half full while others see it half empty? How are depression and pessimism related? Are optimists born or made? Can we unlearn pessimism? What can parents do to help their children grow optimistically?

My family, at least three generations deep, suffers from a genetic predisposition towards clinical, chronic depression. It would be fair to say that I didn’t have the happiest of role models when I was growing up.

I’ve never been diagnosed with depression (other than PMS-related symptoms). Why did I escape depression while many of my family members did not?

A therapist, who my entire family visited when I was a teenager, suggested that I had learned to cope by taking on the role of “hero child” in our dysfunctional family. The hero child is the one who fantasizes that if she accomplishes enough, then the whole family will be OK. The hero child is overly conscientious, over achieving, and constantly seeks approval. As the hero child of my family, it was my “job” to help everyone see the light and function well. I became our family’s cheerleader of optimism.

Then as a young adult, my experiences as an animal trainer and behaviorist taught me some useful cognitive skills. (Apparently rats, cats, dogs and humans tend to learn in similar ways!) I discovered how to avoid learned helplessness (giving up because you feel unable to change things) and how to reinforce my sense of personal control. In turn, personal control leads to optimism; and optimism can protect against depression, better your physical and mental well-being, and increase your level of achievement.

I’m reading a fascinating book: Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin Seligman, Ph.D. Using evidence gleaned from scientific research done with dogs and people, Seligman demonstrates how optimism enhances the quality of life, explains how to break an “I give up” habit, and offers advice for parents who want to help their child(ren) become empowered by optimism.

What is a pessimist? Pessimists tend to:

believe bad events are enduring (will last a long time)
believe misfortunes are their own fault
undermine everything they do
get physically sick more often
get depressed more often
give up more easily

Optimists, who are dealt the same hard knocks, tend to:

believe defeat is just a temporary setback
believe defeat is confined to this one case
believe defeat is not their fault: circumstances, bad luck or other people brought it about
perceive bad situations as a challenge and try harder
do better in school and college
do better at work
do better in sports
exceed the predictions of aptitude tests
be more apt to be elected into public office
enjoy unusually good health
age well
live longer

How can I help my child learn optimism?

My daughter’s life didn’t start out well: she was abandoned at birth by a mother who could not/would not raise her; placed in a neglectful foster care situation for nine months; then uprooted from her native country to live in a place where very few look like her. In addition to these early traumatic events, maybe her birthmother suffered from depression during her pregnancy (aware that she’d have to give up her baby), which could have affected her developing fetus. When we adopted our daughter, she was emotionally withdrawn and shutdown.

What affects a child’s level of optimism? According to Martin Seligman, Ph.D., director of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania and the author of Learned Optimism, there is evidence for three kinds of influences:

How parents analyze and explain everyday occurrences: If my child hears me explain things optimistically, she will too. Optimism is learned. It is important that parents serve as positive role models.
The form of criticisms a child hears when she fails: If they are permanent (“You always make such a big mess”) and pervasive (“You are a slob”), her view of herself will turn toward pessimism. If the criticisms she hears have a temporary and specific message (“Your room tends to be messy after you have friends over to play“), she will be hopeful, empowered and optimistic.
The reality of her early losses and traumas: If her losses and trauma are permanent and pervasive, the seeds of hopelessness will be deeply planted. If they remit, she will develop the theory that bad events can be changed and conquered.

I am incredibly proud of my daughter’s strong spirit. She inspires me to see the glass as half full every day. Together, we practice optimism… and we blossom.

Considering the far-reaching and long-lasting effects that optimism has in all of our lives, I wholeheartedly recommend reading Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. It’s a national bestseller for good reason.